Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Spiderman, hipsters and pants, oh my!

Before constructing this week's Look (Pants with Perspective) we asked one of our highly fashionable friends to write a creative piece on the stereotypes certain pants convey. As an example, we cited the notorious 'hipster skinny-jean'. He complied. Enjoy.

-If you didn’t already know, the skin-tight jeans worn by male hipsters such are the brain-eating symbiotes that plagued the superheroes of Marvel Comics.

Spiderman became host to the first and most famous symbiote -- Venom -- in Secret Wars #8. While looking for a fix to his battle-damaged costume, Spiderman accidentally discovered in a prison module what appeared, at first, to be a stronger replacement -- with impressive new features such as a never-ending supply of web and morphing capabilities. The average person might have a few concerns about an oily black goo that so eagerly spreads itself over your body. Not Spidey, though.

I encounter my symbiote at Tractor Supply Company, in Farmville. I needed a replacement for my old pair of wide-legged jeans -- 32-30 -- that had been washed so many times over the years they were now more white than blue. I was in a hurry, though. A despairing friend needed a shoulder on which to bawl. I simply wanted to buy a new pair jean of the same style as my old ones before the store closed for the night. In my rush, I didn't notice, however, that the pair of jeans I had bought were not wide-legged, but Cowboy Cut.

When I tried them on a few hours later, they were so tight it hurt to sit. The button above the zipper jammed against my stomach hard enough to leave a mark.

However! I looked absolutely fabulous in them. As my friend sobbed on the couch in the living room, I couldn’t stop standing up and admiring my better half in the window’s reflection. “Who is the fairest one of all?” I cooed under my breath.

Now, Spider Man’s relationship with his symbiote quickly lost its charm. The alien costume liked to control Spidey’s actions while he slept. It’s long-term goal was full control of the brain. The ensuing struggle between Spidey and Vemon bears all the mental and physical hallmarks of an abusive relationship. There was fighting, crying, pain, and a huge power struggle. Words were said. A number of times the symbiote threated to eat Spidey’s spleen. Their relationship was eventually terminated in a chiming bell tower.

The Cowboy Cuts and I have not yet reached the point of conflict. However, I can certainly see how they have made me different person. Pants of this tightness alter blood flow, which slowly decreases the amount of oxygen the brain receives. I now understand the detached ironic mood of hipsters much better than before. I’ve observed what happens to hipster gentlemen who wear tight jeans for an extended period of time. The brain damage manifests itself in many ugly ways, from their taste in music (indie), their taste in shirts (twee), and their consumption of beer (PBR).

I do not look forward to joining the dour ranks of these people. Who would? But I have a choice: being faithful to all the things in which I believe, or looking damn sexy. I choose the latter, and I do so with a stiff upper lip for the horrors that it will wreak upon my life. I am reminded of a request Venom once made of Spider Man. “Come closer,” he said, “so we can suck your lungs out through your cerebral cortex.”

Tune in soon for Megan and Jenni's personal pant peeves.

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